It was like having gone from a washing machine rinse cycle to sitting on the beach on a calm night under the stars
John was in the worst thunderstorm that he had ever encountered! Then suddenly, they were out on the other side of the storm and every thing instantly calmed down. It was like having gone from a washing machine rinse cycle to sitting on the beach on a calm night under the stars. The change was dramatic. The rest of the journey into the airport was uneventful. The front had pulled through and they could make the landing in CAVOK.
John was really shook up. He truly thought that he had bought the farm and that he never would see his dear family again. The worst thing was that he felt like he lost control of the aircraft. This was something he never experienced before.
It was after this flight John started to check the weather forecast extra carefully for embedded CB. In the beginning, it was nothing more than a healthy kind of safety precaution but as time went on John started to feel more and more apprehensive about embedded CBs. After a while, he started to feel an unease every time he entered a cloud layer. He never felt he could truly trust the radar. He started to fear that there was a thunderstorm lurking in the clouds that was not forecasted or that the radar didn’t pick up.
Fear is building like a thunderstorm on a hot summer day
The fear of thunderstorms soon become a fear of flying into clouds. He could feel himself really getting anxious when he entered a cloud layer, especially if it were frontal clouds. His hands got sweaty, he felt a bitter taste in his mouth and he immediately turned on the radar if it was not already on. He could feel his heartbeat increase and all his focus was on trying to detect any bad weather. Several times he missed calls from air traffic control and call-outs from the first officer. All his attention was on the weather ahead. Nothing else seemed to matter. Most of all, he was feeling fear. A fear that only allowed him to stay focused on the weather ahead. The fear always dispersed when he broke out of the clouds or if he could be 100% sure that there were no CBs ahead.
Soon it was not only the thunderstorms and clouds that he feared but he had started to fear the fear itself. Before work he could feel that fearful feeling that he felt when he got into clouds. This feeling alone could cause him to become very anxious. He hated the feeling of fear that he felt! The anxiousness before the flights grew stronger. This is when the obsession with checking different weather sites began. Some days he could spend hours in front of the computer checking to see how different weather patterns developed. He lived for those rare days where there were no threatening weather systems on his routes. These days were of course rare and he lived most of the time with a growing anxiety.
Hiding fear and anxiety
Strangely enough, John managed to hide his fear and anxiety pretty well from the rest of the crews he was flying with. On one occasion, John and his first officer were climbing out from there departure airport, the weather was pretty lousy with a warm front over the airport. It rained quite a bit when they left and they also had some light turbulence. John’s attention was glued to the radar and he felt his fear and anxiety running wild. When they approached Flight Level 200, still in clouds, a low oil pressure warning on the right engine appeared. John was the pilot flying and he could now feel his anxiety and stress level increase even further.
He asked the first officer to tell the ATC that they needed to return to the departure airport. The first officer talked to the ATC and got clearance to turn around and descend. The first officer did all the emergency checklists and shut down the engine with the low oil pressure. He did all this in close coordination with John and he confirmed everything that the first officer was doing in accordance with the standard operating procedure. However, in reality he was so stressed and anxious that he didn’t really see or comprehend what he was confirming. He basically only said the right confirming words at the right time as a reflex.
They got back and did a safe single engine landing. Afterwards the first officer commended John on the good job and asked him how he could keep so calm? The first officer said that he had gotten quite shaken up by the whole thing but thought that they had done a great job together. He did not realize that John had barely been present. He managed to fly the aircraft but all his attention and thoughts were on the weather. The first officer had, in fact, done all the job himself to handle the emergency. The only thing that was on John’s mind was the fear that he would lose control of the aircraft if they got into an embedded thunderstorms with only one engine.
Everything, every thought, word, movement, was an effort. The depression together with the anxiety created a pain inside that he just couldn’t escape. The only thing that could ease the pain was alcohol.
Things getting worse
John continued his story and told me that he started to call in sick when the weather was to bad, especially if he thought there would be embedded thunderstorms on his routes. He felt an enormous guilt for this but the anxiety and fear was in full control of him. This made him feel depressed and he said that he started to lose his temper, especially toward his family. He felt, unbearably miserable and seemingly incapable of any kind of joy or enthusiasm.
Everything, every thought, word, movement, was an effort. The depression together with the anxiety created a pain inside that he just couldn’t escape. The only thing that could ease the pain was alcohol.
Recently he had started to realize that he probably drank way too much and he was concerned that he was about to develop an alcohol dependency. He often drank by himself. Laura had approached him about this. He would get mad at her and told her that he didn’t drink that much and what about herself, she surely liked her wine! After this, he started to hide his liquor but, of course, she knew but she was probably too afraid to bring it up again.
After he told me all of this, he turned quiet and just sat staring at the wall. I was quiet too, thinking about everything he had said. I was no psychologist, far from it, but it didn’t take a shrink to figure out that John had a full-blown anxiety disorder and a severe depression. In addition to this, he was also most likely developing an alcohol dependency problem.
The Pilot Peer Support Program
Poor John. What could I do? He obviously needed help. I had, however, no experience with this and didn’t know what kind of help he needed. Then I had an idea! Every airline was supposed to have a Pilot Peer Support Program, a system whereby a pilot needing help can get support with mental well-being or life stress issues from a dedicated and trained colleague in a confidential setting. This may be where John should turn to get some advice on what he should do next? I asked him but he only laughed at me and said:
“What good would that do? I know we have this program. It is run by one of our young first officers, Mira, a perky little girl that always seems overly happy and cheerful. What does she know about my problems! I don’t think that she could do anything to help me.”
I told him that at least it would be worth a try. She could, hopefully, at least tell him where to get help and it was all confidential. John had a thousand other excuses but after a while, I convinced him that this was at least worth a try. He thought it would be very embarrassing and he wondered if he ever could fly with her after he told her all of this. I told him not to worry about that now. The first thing he needed to do was to concentrate on getting better.
“But I can’t call in sick. I have already taken out too many sick days and the chief pilot wants a talk with me next week because my high absence.”
Not fit to fly
I asked him when he was going to fly the next time and he told me that he was supposed to fly the next morning and the anxiety he felt right now was overwhelming because the weather was not going to let up. According to the forecast, there were going to be a lot of thunderstorms the next day. I told him that he needed to call in sick. He was in no way fit to fly the next day. First of all, he had been drinking way too much and it was now pretty late. Second of all, the anxiety and depression he felt made him even less fit to fly.
He said, “But I can’t call in sick. I have already taken out too many sick days and the chief pilot wants a talk with me next week because my high absence.”
I told him not to worry about this and he just needed to do something about his situation and try to get better. He asked what I meant with this, he was not sick for real, he was just an afraid loser. I told him that he definitely was not a loser and yes, in my humble opinion, he was not well and needed someone that understood these kind of things to help him.
The change
After that I could see some kind of relief come over John’s face. He realized that he didn’t have to fly tomorrow and maybe, just maybe there would be some kind of cure for what he was experiencing. I think that John felt that he actually gained a slight bit of control by making the deliberate decision not to fly the next day. A decision that was not based on fear but a decision that was based on his realisation that he just might not be fit to fly.
I left John and this time I took the normal way out. When I came downstairs I meet Laura in the hall. I could see that she had cried a lot. Poor Laura. This thing with John had really taken its toll on the entire family. She asked me if I figured out what was wrong with John. I told her that things were not good but I was sure that he would be ready tell her everything soon. However, right now he really needed her support. He would have a rough time ahead of him.
The next day I called John and asked if he had called Mira that worked with his airline pilot peer support program. He told me that he did and that he would meet with her the very next day.
That meeting was to be the beginning of John’s long road back to normality. John suffered from all three of the most common mental disorders among pilots, depression, anxiety and alcohol dependency.
The positive aspect is that there is a way back! Like many other physical disorders, mental disorders can normally be fixed as long as you get help and get this help in time. As a general rule, you can say that the longer you wait to receive help, the longer the recovery takes. For John, it took almost one year. But in the end of July the following year, he was back in the commander seat again.
John felt such a relief after his first meeting with Mira. He now realized that he suffered from a deep depression and an anxiety disorder and he would get help.
His road to recovery had started with the meeting with Mira from the pilot peer support program. After telling Mira everything he had told me, she told him that everything would be ok. She was, of course, not a therapist or psychologist but she would help him find someone that was. The airline had contracts with several different mental healthcare providers. Mira explained that there were many different kinds of therapies. She thought that in John’s case a method called cognitive behavioral therapy might be a good way forward. She said that she knew a very good psychiatrist specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy. She would call his office right away and set up the first meeting.
Mira also told John not to worry about work, she would talk to the chief pilot who John was supposed to have a meeting with the following week due to his high absenteeism. Mira said that she would absolutely not reveal any details but would explain for the chief pilot that John was under the care of the Pilot Peer Support Program and was going to be absent for a while. She told John that she would handle all contact with the airline before John felt that he was strong enough to do so himself. She also told him that she would never tell anyone more than what they had agreed upon.
John felt such a relief after his first meeting with Mira. He now realized that he suffered from a deep depression and an anxiety disorder and he would get help. He was not an afraid loser!
However, the way back was long. The psychiatrist John met was great and progress was made almost immediately. Still it took almost one year for John to get back in the captain seat again. This probably could have gone quicker if John had managed to get help sooner.
It is like this text describes everything I have gone through and the man I would like to be again. And I actually think that I once more have become that man. It truly feels like I’m back to my old self again.
Five miles out
In September the following year, John and I were sitting in his garden talking, as we had so many times before during the past year. It was amazing to follow John’s recovery from that awful night in August the previous year. He had really made progress and he was now back to his old self.
He told me:
”Through all this, Mira has really stood by my side, she has really been great. Even if my Psychiatrist did the hard work on me, I could not have done it without Mira. I never told you this but in the end of last year Mira wrote me a poem that REALLY has helped me through and still does. Do you want to hear it?”
“Of course,” I said, ”Let’s hear from the great poet Mira!” John took out a worn piece of paper from his wallet and read:
“What do you do when your falling
You've got 30 degrees and you're stalling out?
And it's 24 miles to your beacon
There's a crack in the sky and the warning's out
Don't take that dive again!
Push through that band of rain!
Five miles out
Just hold your heading true
Got to get your finest out
You're Number 1, anticipating you
Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
Calling all stations!
This is Golf-Mike-Oscar-Victor-Juliet
IMC CU. NIMB... icing
In great difficulty, over
The traffic controller is calling
"Victor-Juliet, your identity
I have you lost in the violent storm!
Communicate or squawk 'Emergency'!"
Don't take that dive again!
Push through that band of rain!
Trapped in living hell!
Your a prisoner of the dark sky
The propeller blades are still!
And the evil eye of the hurricane's
Coming in now for the kill
Our hope's with you
Rider in the blue
Welcome's waiting, we're anticipating
You'll be celebrating, when you're down and braking”
When he finished I looked at him and then I started to laugh. He looked at me with an offended gaze and asked what I was laughing about. He tried to be serious and I was only laughing!
I told him that sure this poem could really be about him. It actually hit the nail on the head. But this was not a poem that Mira had written. This was a song from the early 80s by the musician Mike Oldfield. The story goes that the musician was really anxious about flying and got trapped in a bad thunderstorm. After that flight, he wrote this song that is called Five Miles Out.
John said:
“I really don’t care if Mira didn’t write it. She gave it to me because she could see me in the text and so could I when I read it. It has really helped me. I used to read it every day and now I have it almost memorized. I especially like the lines “Just hold your heading true, Got to get your finest out, You're Number 1, anticipating you!” And also the very last lines. “Our hope's with you, Rider in the blue. Welcome's waiting, we're anticipating. You'll be celebrating, when you're down and braking.”
It is like this text describes everything I have gone through and the man I would like to be again. And I actually think that I once more have become that man. It truly feels like I’m back to my old self again.
I gave John a great smile and said that I thought he was right.
John then said, “The only thing I truly regret is that I didn’t get help earlier, then I might had been back in the pilot seat a lot quicker.”
This is the end of the John Skydancer story. He is still flying and happier than ever. In addition to being a captain, he is today a type rating instructor. He also joined Mira in becoming involved in his airlines Pilot Peer Support program were he helps his fellow pilots with everything from small to big life crises.
Mental health in aviation has long been something that has been shadowed by tabus and stigma, something you didn’t talk about. Fortunately, we realize today that mental illness is something that can happen to anyone, even pilots! It is, therefore, very important to learn as much as possible about this and to gain an understanding of what mental health and disorders are all about. Not only for yourself but learning more about mental health can also mean that you can better help others.
When this happened with my friend John, I was pretty ill-equipped to deal with this and to help my friend. My personal recommendation to you is to try to learn as much as possible about mental health in aviation. Scandlearn has a great course that truly can give you the knowledge that I wish I had when this happened to John.
John and his family have been gracious enough to share this life-shattering experience with you and for that we thank the Skydancer family. Of course all the names in this story are changed. But the truth is, John and Laura actually took a very special surname when they got married were they combined their two greatest passions. However it is not Skydancer.
